I sit at my so-called “piano” and try
to make my ten fingers act lively and spry
They pound and they gallop, run off on their own
they play the wrong rhythm, they play the wrong tone.
My forearms are shaky, my back has an ache,
I think that it’s time for a ten minute break.
The sweat of my fingers has made the keys stick,
which is all just as well, cuz I think that I’m sick.
Sick and tired of practicing, never to play
any better than I did the very first day.
I should give up right now and then go watch TV!
A life in the arts, it just isn’t for me.
My triplets are fuzzy, the quarters too long
and besides that I think that I just hate this song
what kind of a nerd plays this stuff, anyhow?
This isn’t the music that’s popular now.
And just so to show that I never will make it
I’ll go through once more- after that, I can’t take it.
Well, it sounds better now- that’s just ‘cuz I don’t care,
and I worked really hard on the passage right there.
And this part’s too easy, that’s why it’s so lame.
Oh, and I never did notice these parts are the same.
Now here at the end, I always miss that,
where the right middle-finger rolls off the B-flat.
See- I made it right through! Like I knew that would,
when it comes to piano, I’m better than good.
I told you! I said, “I’m a natural whiz”
I’m exactly (I think) what a “prodigy” is.
Did you hear every note? Let me play it again.
I’m a nine-point-eight-six on a scale up to ten.
Just think how I’d be if I practiced some more,
I could play for an album, or go out on tour!
What’s that? I should try the next piece in my book?
Well, how hard could it be? I’ll just give it a look.
Three flats. Well, that’s different, but shouldn’t be bad,
and the meter’s in six- which is something I’ve had.
But this intro is hard, with the stretch in the bass,
and my right hand is flopping all over the place.
Now I know I was right when I said I’m no good,
I just want to quit and I think that I should.
It’s just wasting time to teach me how to play
I’ll never get better. “He’s hopeless,” they’ll say.
See, I’ve done these two measures like seventeen times.
I’m sure I’ll be punished for musical crimes.
Please don’t make me keep trying, it’s hurting my head.
Can’t you see that I’m crying? I’d rather be dead!
I hate the piano! What a stupid device!
Plus, my wrists are enflamed- I think I need ice.
Not to mention, it’s hot- and this room has no fan.
Just once more? Okay. I’ll see if I can…